A Sensitive Person’s Dream: Nonviolent Communication

Have you ever been involved in a conversation that felt as though it was getting out of control? Perhaps one of you wasn’t really listening, or maybe one of you was raising your voice in anger. Even worse, maybe one of you was making hurtful or disrespectful comments. Those of us who are sensitive and intense can be emotionally and physically drained by painful conversations.

As a highly sensitive person, or parent of a highly sensitive child, we owe it to our children and ourselves to learn about Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. The four components of NVC include:

1. Observe that what others say or do either enriches or diminishes your life.
2. State what you feel when you observe this action.
3. Share the needs that create the feelings you expressed.
4. Make a specific request that will help enrich your life.

Rosenberg provides the following example: “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common…..Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?”

Not only do we need to learn to communicate using these four components, but we also need to learn to sense what others are observing, feeling, needing and requesting. This form of communication helps us develop relationships that are respectful and compassionate, relationships that are highly nurturing to people who are bright, sensitive and intense. As I read Jenna’s book, Help Is On Its Way, I tried to imagine how her early identity development would have been impacted if the adults in her life could have understood the pain she was feeling and the needs that went unmet. It is never too late to learn how to listen with empathy, nor is it ever too late to learn how to ask for what you need to have an enriching life.

As Rosenberg says, “NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish….NVC fosters deep listening, respect, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.” Is there anyone who wouldn’t benefit from relationships based on non-violent communication?

Strengths

Strengths.  Knowing our strengths and innate ways of understanding is important to living a satisfying life.  During a recent presentation on raising resilient children, I told the group of parents and educators how important it is for us to identify, nurture, and respect the strengths of our children and students.  So often we point out our children’s weaknesses rather than looking through the lens of strengths.  Not only can this hurt our relationship with our children, but it can also interfere with the child’s ability to be resilient. 

The Gallup Organization has created an online assessment that can highlight your top five themes from a list of 34 positive innate strengths.  This assessment can be accessed by purchasing one of a number of books including:

• Strengthsfinder 2.0 (Tom Rath)
• Now, Discover Your Strengths (Marcus Buckingham & Donald Clifton)
• Go Put Your Strengths to Work (Marcus Buckingham)
• Teach With Your Strengths (Liesveld & Miller)

My husband (a retired teacher), our daughter, and I all took the Strengthsfinder test, and we were surprised by the accuracy of the results.  At the time, our daughter felt as though she needed to change her profession in order to use her strengths and passions, but recently she has found that by USING her strengths, she is more satisfied with her chosen field.  My top five themes are: achiever, strategic, futuristic, learner, and activator.  As a college professor in the field of education, I am lucky to be able to use my top five themes in a way that is both personally and professionally satisfying.  The report I was able to download about my profile indicated, among other things, that I needed to find a friend or colleague with whom I could collaborate so that we could push each other to greater heights of creativity and vividness.  Never having known Jenna Forrest prior to reading her book (Help Is On Its Way), I think we have come into each other’s lives to play this important role. 

If you are a bright, sensitive, and intense adult, or you have a child who matches this description, I recommend a focus on strengths as a way to build the passion, joy, and optimism necessary to live happily in a world that doesn’t always nurture the bright, sensitive, and intense spirit.