Just Who Will You Be: Living the Authentic You

Living an authentic life is difficult for anyone, but it is particularly difficult if being bright, sensitive, and intense sets you apart from your peers. Gifted students often feel the pressure to excel from either their own perfectionism or the perfectionism of their parents. They feel the pressure to rein in their extensive vocabularies when they are ridiculed by their classmates. They feel the pressure of the media that portrays gifted people as odd balls, geeks, pocket-protector-wearing nerds. They also feel the pressure when their test scores negatively impact the class curve for their classmates.

I recently read the book Just Who Will You Be? by Maria Shriver. She talks about the life-long pressures she felt to fulfill the expectations of others, to measure up to the accomplishments of a mother who founded the Special Olympics and a father who created the Peace Corps. Despite all of her own accomplishments as a journalist, after having to give up her career due to the possible impression of conflict of interest as the First Lady of California, Shriver felt she had lost her authentic self. Actually, she wasn’t sure she had ever known her authentic self.

This small book’s title has had a profound impact on my thinking. Just who am I? Just who will I be? As a professor of education, I work with wonderful people who have chosen to touch the future by teaching. This week I challenged my students to find their authentic selves and bring that authenticity to their classrooms. I asked them to reflect upon “Just Who Will You Be?” This is my personal reaction to that question:

Just Who Will I Be?
I will support and nourish the authentic me and allow her to exist in all aspects of my life. I will be a compassionate person who listens to the heart and words of others. I will be a family member who gives my love freely and without strings attached. I will be generous of my time and resources, but I will set appropriate limits to maintain my authentic self. I will search for little things in life that bring me joy. I will be a person who laughs easily and smiles frequently. I will practice mindful movements and mindful living.
Just who will I be? I will be a work-in-progress who is never quite complete but always growing and improving.

And just who will YOU be?

Mindful Movements – Mindful Living

Who would have guessed that my latest great book would have been a gift from my 93 year-old father. I begin every morning by warming up my body to the Stretching DVD by Bob Anderson. It is a great way for a sensitive and intense person to prepare her body for the day ahead. I have been quite interested in the power of breathing for maintaining a healthy body and had listened to tapes by Andrew Weil and Deepak Chopra, but I had never found a routine that became a part of my daily practice….that is until this week.

My father brought me a very sweet little book called Mindful Movements: Ten Exercises for Well-Being written by Thich Nhat Hanh and illustrated by Wietske Vriezen. The ten exercises aimed at connecting movement to breathing are clearly described and creatively illustrated. Included with this 59 page book is a DVD that leads you through each movement (all this for only $14.95). The beauty of these movements is that you become quite mindful of breathing in and out as you make each movement. In just three days, I realize that I am becoming more aware of my breathing throughout the day.

Have you ever heard someone suggest that you “just take a breath” in order to calm yourself down. Wouldn’t it be great if a regular part of our education would be to teach us to harness our breath as a way to maximize our potential? There are many sites on the internet speaking to the use of breathing to prevent and/or abort panic attacks. Teaching sensitive and intense children that breathing, rather than holding their breath, is a technique that is always available to them to help them calm down their nervous systems.

I am often asked about children who suck their thumbs, need their special blankets, or exhibit some other self-soothing behaviors. I was one of those kids who was still sucking her thumb at the age of ten, so I know the feeling of being a sensitive kid who tried to find a safe way to release my own internal tension. While I was embarrassed by the behavior and the resulting bump on my thumb, it was a sure-fire way to calm my nervous system. It is only recently that I have realized the power of mindful breathing and the ability to bring calm to my life. The beauty of mindful breathing is that it can be used when you are in line at the grocery store or when you are at a stoplight or a traffic jam. You can reframe these previously thought of inconveniences as an opportunity to practice mindful breathing.

My husband and I started this morning with the Mindful Movements DVD, and then we took our car for an oil change. We walked along the ponds being reclaimed as a natural habitat for wildlife, and were rewarded with being able to watch two beautiful grey heron in one of the ponds. There we were with another opportunity to experience mindful living. The author of Mindful Movements tells us of the seven miracles of mindfulness, and the first one “is to be present and able to touch deeply the miracles of life, like the blue sky, a flower, the smile of a child.” I will continue to nourish my sensitive and intense way of being by practicing mindful breathing and mindful living as my daily journey rather than as a mere detour.

The Downside of Perfectionism: Perfectionist Parents and Their Gifted Children

Lest my previous posting, In Praise of Gifted Perfectionism, left some of you with the impression that perfectionism is a one-dimensional, always positive force in the lives of gifted children, let me set that straight. Perfectionism can make life more challenging for gifted children, but when the child has to deal with the pressures of a perfectionist parent, that challenge can be debilitating and hurt this important parent/child relationship.

As I mentioned in the posting In Praise of Gifted Perfectionism, a gifted child might have to deal with both intrinsic perfectionism (an organic or self-sustaining need) or extrinsic perfectionism (pressure from outside the child – created by parents, educators, culture, peers, etc.). I’d like to focus on the extrinsic perfectionism sometimes put on gifted children by a perfectionistic parent. I remember a particular instance in which a 5th grade boy’s parents came in to see me about his progress in my math class. “Tony” was a gifted boy who reminded me a lot of my brother who had committed suicide the previous year. Both of them were bright, sensitive, and intense, and both were athletes. Like my brother, Tony loved baseball.

His father was concerned that Tony didn’t have a strong enough work ethic. He wasn’t interested in “extra credit” assignments, and his work showed careless errors. He brought in one of Tony’s math tests on which he had scored an 89 percent. As Tony, his parents, and I sat around the table, his dad pointed out all the little mistakes Tony had made on the test. I tried to show Tony’s dad that Tony demonstrated a strong understanding of difficult concepts and that the little errors he had made were common for gifted kids.

I could see that this already sensitive and intense young man was feeling uncomfortable with the conversation, so asked him to go play on the playground while I talked with his parents. I have never been one to challenge parents in front of their child, but I knew that Tony needed me to step in as his advocate. Still hurting from the suicide of my brother, I told Tony’s father that Tony needed to develop a positive identity more than he needed 100% test scores. If Tony continued to see his worth as being measured by his father’s own perfection, he would have a hard time developing a positive identity and a willingness to take on more difficult challenges. Tony’s family moved to another state, and I received an email the following year telling me about Tony’s academic progress. I was actually hoping to hear about his dad’s progress in reining in his own perfectionism.

If there is any suggestion I can give parents of gifted children, I would say to make sure you don’t foist your own perfectionism on your children. Your children deserve to grow into their own perfectionism, their own passions, their own strengths. There is a fine line between guiding our child’s development and controlling it. If you find that your “guidance” is being rejected by your child, if you find your “guidance” is creating greater sensitivity and intensity in your child, counseling for the PARENT of a gifted child is always a good place to receive objective advice.

For more information on perfectionism and gifted children, see the Hoagies Gifted Education Page on perfectionism.

Gifted Kids as Tall Poppies: Let’s Find Them and Nurture Them

Tall poppies. According to Wikipeda, “the term originates from accounts in Aristotle’s Politics (Book 5, Chapter 10) and Livy’s History of Rome, Book I. Aristotle wrote: ‘Periander advised Thrasybulus by cutting the tops of the tallest ears of corn, meaning tht he must always put out of the way the citizens who overtop the rest.’ In Livy’s account, the tyrannical Roman King, Tarquin the Proud, received a messenger from his son Sextus Tarquinius asking what he should do next in Gabii, since he had become all-powerful there. Rather than answering the messenger verbally, Tarquinius went into his garden, took a stick, and symbolically swept it across his garden thus cutting off the heads of the tallest poppies that were growing there….Sextus realized that his father wished him to put to death all of the most eminent people of Gabii, which he then did.”

In modern times, the tall poppies are the people who receive criticism for accomplishments that put them above their peers. I remember the first time I heard about the tall poppy syndrome. It was nearly ten years ago, and Miraca Gross (an expert on gifted education from Australia) was presenting to a group of parents and educators about gifted children. (See her article on exceptionally and profoundly gifted children.) I was deeply moved by her description of how intellectually gifted children are tall poppies who are regularly cut down to size so that they won’t continue to stand out among their peers. A gifted child might experience the following name calling: “overachiever,” “geek,” “nerd,” “brainiac,” “you’re too big for your britches,” “how about giving someone else a chance to shine?” etc.

I find it fascinating that we don’t see all gifts in the same way. Many people fear that by telling intellectually and academically gifted children they are “gifted,” these children might become arrogant and self-absorbed. We don’t seem to have the same fear about the gifted musician we place in the “first chair” when they rise above their peers, nor do we have the same fear when the gifted athlete wins a trophy. The truth is, when academically or intellectually gifted children learn about their “giftedness” there is often a sense of relief. They have known all along that there is a difference in the way they process information and in the speed at which they take in new information. In addition, for those who are bright, sensitive, and intense, they already know that they have a quality of life that is different (not better) than their peers. These tall poppies deserve to understand why they don’t always “fit” academic or socially, and they deserve to be nurtured so that they stand proudly with their petals held high. When you look at the world around us, it is clear that our society cannot afford to lose its tall poppies. I’m wondering how much of your school district’s budget is allocated for gifted education…..(See state by state resources.) To find them and nurture them, it takes a will and it takes money. Be a tall poppy yourself, let your voice stand out above the crowd, and speak up for these children.

Understanding the Rainforest Mind & Funding Gifted Education

Bright, sensitive, intense, are descriptions I hear from many parents of gifted children.  While most people think of gifted kids as those with high IQ’s or with high SAT scores, parents of gifted kids know that their children are more than their IQ scores.  

Paula Prober (a licensed counselor who works with gifted adults, teens, and families) has put forth a metaphor that quite clearly describes these wonderful people: rainforest minds.  As Paula says, “Like the rainforest, gifted individuals are often complex, multi-layered, intense, highly sensitive, colorful, creative, overwhelming, fragile and misunderstood.” I encourage you to click on the link I have created to find out more about her ideas about the rainforest mind.

So why is it that gifted kids are so endangered.  Perhaps it is because No Child Left Behind has shifted public attention to students who are unable to meet basic standards, and perhaps it is because there is a general feeling that gifted kids can make it on their own.  As a public teacher for more than 25 year, and a university professor for another six, I know that gifted children deserve to receive a respectful and appropriate education.

The next time you go for surgery, you need to ask yourself if you want a gifted surgeon, or will you be willing to take one who barely met the standards?  The next time you need an attorney, you need to ask yourself if you want a gifted attorney, or will you be willing to take one who barely met the standards?  The next time you enroll your child in school, you need to ask yourself if you hope your child is in a classroom with a gifted educator, or are you willing to have your child taught by an educator who barely met the standards?  I believe that we need to nurture and nourish all of our children, even those who seem to have great potential.  In order to successfully solve the problems we will face in the future, we need citizens who have been encouraged to reach their fullest potential.  It is time we cared enough about our gifted students to adequately fund their public school education!

A Sensitive Person’s Dream: Nonviolent Communication

Have you ever been involved in a conversation that felt as though it was getting out of control? Perhaps one of you wasn’t really listening, or maybe one of you was raising your voice in anger. Even worse, maybe one of you was making hurtful or disrespectful comments. Those of us who are sensitive and intense can be emotionally and physically drained by painful conversations.

As a highly sensitive person, or parent of a highly sensitive child, we owe it to our children and ourselves to learn about Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. The four components of NVC include:

1. Observe that what others say or do either enriches or diminishes your life.
2. State what you feel when you observe this action.
3. Share the needs that create the feelings you expressed.
4. Make a specific request that will help enrich your life.

Rosenberg provides the following example: “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common…..Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?”

Not only do we need to learn to communicate using these four components, but we also need to learn to sense what others are observing, feeling, needing and requesting. This form of communication helps us develop relationships that are respectful and compassionate, relationships that are highly nurturing to people who are bright, sensitive and intense. As I read Jenna’s book, Help Is On Its Way, I tried to imagine how her early identity development would have been impacted if the adults in her life could have understood the pain she was feeling and the needs that went unmet. It is never too late to learn how to listen with empathy, nor is it ever too late to learn how to ask for what you need to have an enriching life.

As Rosenberg says, “NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish….NVC fosters deep listening, respect, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.” Is there anyone who wouldn’t benefit from relationships based on non-violent communication?

How Full is Your Bucket?

If you are a bright, sensitive and intense person, you can imagine your life as several different buckets. You want to try to keep your sensitivity bucket from overflowing because just as one straw can break a camel’s back, too many drops in the sensitivity bucket can cause a highly sensitive person to be overwhelmed.

Bright, sensitive and intense people feel emotionally nourished when their positivity bucket is full. As the authors of the book How Full is Your Bucket? (Rath and Clifton) suggest, each of us has an “invisible bucket” that is constantly being emptied and filled. Some of the emptying and filling is being done by others according to the way they interact with us, and some of the emptying and filling we do ourselves according to how we treat others. The authors say: “So we face a choice every moment of every day: We can fill one another’s buckets, or we can dip from them. It is an important choice – one that profoundly influences our relationships, productivity, health, and happiness.”

For those of you who reject anything that sounds like “pop psychology,” I encourage you to give this book and its ideas a try. Since reading this book, I have paid close attention to how I feel when I know I have filled someone else’s bucket, and I have tried to prevent others from dipping into my bucket. As a sensitive and intense person, giving freely of my positive energy while preventing others from sapping that energy has had a positive impact on my emotional life.

Since reading How Full is Your Bucket?, I have come across a companion book for children called Have You Filled a Bucket Today? by Carol McCloud. I have included McCloud’s message in a writing program I created for an after school writing program, and the sharing of positive “drops” is one of the students’ favorite parts of the week.

There are many aspects of our lives that we can control, and being more positive and supportive of others and ourselves is a great way to begin. Take a moment and think about it, how full is YOUR bucket?

Visions From the Heart: A Journey to Self-Discovery

Have you ever noticed that a great book is worth returning to for another opportunity to learn from it?  I had that experience this week as I returned to a book I had read more than a decade ago: VISIONS FROM THE HEART by Jennifer James.  James is a cultural anthropologist whose book is a series of “vision steps” for a journey to self-discovery.

Bright, sensitive, and intense people are constantly trying to make sense of their personal and professional lives, so James’ book helps us answer many of the questions that lead to self-understanding and transformation.  Her book offers 20 steps to what she calls a “vision journey.”  Bright, sensitive and intense children and adults are often reluctant to step outside the known, outside their comfort zone, so James’ book is one way to experience a safe and respectful journey of self-discovery.

The journey begins with what James called “awakening to the need.”  She says that “it is an opening within your heart and mind….you are somehow touched, there is a shift in your body and your awareness.  Energy seems to flow into you, and you feel a unique connection with life.”  Bright, sensitive and intense people tend to have a hyper-awareness of themselves and their environment, so they can relate to the awareness about which James speaks.

The final step is “transformation.”  I know how powerful this journey can be as I have been able to transform my negative thinking about my sensitivity and intensity, from a curse that controlled and negatively impacted my life, to a blessing and a gift.  This new awareness enables me to help the parents of bright, sensitive and intense children develop a better understanding of the rich and challenging life experienced by their children.  I know that my “vision from the heart” brought me to Jenna Forrest and her important and inspirational memoir about her experiences as a bright, sensitive and intense child.  As I enter another vision journey, I look forward to seeing how deepening self-knowledge will help me make even greater use of my sensitivity and intensity in my personal and professional life.

 

A Highly Sensitive Person Tries to Live the Four Agreements

As I take this journey through books that have positively impacted my personal and professional development, The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz is one of the most significant.  The author subtitles this book “A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom,” and although the book is not specifically written for bright, sensitive and intense people, I believe that it is a practical approach for those of us who fit that description.

Agreement One:  BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD.  This agreement asks us to be careful with our word, both spoken and thought.  We need to be careful how we use our word with others and with ourselves.  Bright, sensitive, and intense people may be too quick to be self-critical, and this agreement reminds us to use our word in a self-loving way.

Agreement Two:  DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY.  Too often we give so much power to other people that we take the negative things they say to be the truth.  What they say, good or bad, says more about them than it does about us.

Agreement Three:  DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.  Did you ever make a big leap into an assumption, get all riled up, just to find out you had made a wrong assumption.  Highly sensitive people need to be careful about making assumptions because our nervous systems can be asked to work overtime on a problem that doesn’t exist.  Ruiz makes the point that we also assume that others in our lives know what we are thinking and what we need.  Clear communication is a skill all bright, sensitive, and intense people should develop in order to avoid unnecessary “assumed” drama.

Agreement Four:  ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST.  Ruiz cautions that our best is always changing depending upon our state of well-being, the amount of energy we are able to muster, etc., so we shouldn’t be a constant judge and jury of our efforts.  If we always remember to do our best, we won’t be plagued by self-doubt and guilt.  In addition, we won’t push ourselves to a point of physical and psychological depletion.  Highly sensitive people need to maintain a reservoir of positive energy, and doing our best will support that energy and our sense of well-being.

In the final chapter of The Four Agreements, Ruiz says the following:  “Maybe we cannot escape from the destiny of the human, but we have a choice: to suffer our destiny or to enjoy our destiny.  To suffer, or to love and be happy.  To live in hell or to live in heaven.  My choice is to live in heaven.  What is yours?”   For those of us who are parents of bright, sensitive, and intense children, we owe it to these lovely children to teach and model The Four Agreements.

           

 

Lean Forward into Your Life

Lean Forward into Your Life: Begin each day as if it were on purpose…

This is the title of a wonderful book that can be encouragement for any bright, sensitive, and intense person.  Sometimes our sensitivity or intensity makes us hold back, or even hold on tightly, so that we convince ourselves we will remain safe.  The author of this book, Mary Anne Radmacher, adds her beautiful calligraphy to her life-coaching inspirations.  I think this book would be a great book to read with a friend or young adult child. 

So what aspects of this book had the greatest impact on me?

• The subtitle of the book encourages us to “begin each day as if it were on purpose.”  I believe that sensitive people have to work hard to not to ruminate about negative experiences or feel fearful about the future.  Learning to begin each day as a fresh start helps us live in the “now.”
• Radmacher encourages us to “be specifically grateful.”  When our daughter was a teenager, Rick, Rachel, and I used to share a gratitude journal.  We would take turns writing our gratitudes each evening, and then we would put the journal on each other’s pillows.  It was wonderful to end the evening focusing on gratitude, and it was also wonderful to be able to see what made each one of us grateful.
• Going back to my last blog entry on finding your strengths, Radmacher suggests that the reader “do what you love.”  I find that the more I can get into “flow” by engaging in activities that bring me joy, the less sensitive and intense I feel.  It is being forced into uncomfortable situations that increases what my husband calls “intensitivity.”

So, lean forward into your life, and find all the little ways you can celebrate your sensitivity while nourishing your uniqueness.