“The simple wisdom of living Wabi Sabi shows us that our hearts already hold everything we need to be happy. It celebrates the perfectly imperfect uniqueness of you and me and everything, revealing the joy, creativity, and empowerment of imperfection through an ancient way of looking at life: the way of Wabi Sabi.” These words, written on the back cover of the book, illustrate the power of this book for parents of a gifted child. While perfectionism is an innate aspect of many gifted people, learning to live Wabi Sabi allows us to celebrate our uniqueness and appreciate our imperfections.

So what did I learn from Dr. Orloff about emotional freedom and parenting a gifted child?

* Dr. Orloff defines emotional freedom as “Increasing your ability to love by cultivating positive emotions and being able to compassionately witness and transform negative ones, whether they’re yours or another’s.”

* We need to make sure our children aren’t being ruled by negative emotion.

* “The power of love is the champion of emotional freedom. We must respect the voice within that says, ‘Honey, be kind to yourself. You are enough. You are beautiful.’ Compassion is in each of us: it is the ultimate answer.” Dr. Orloff believes that spirit of compassion will help all of us to become strong and joyful. What parents wouldn’t want that for themselves and their children?

* Dr. Orloff recounts a Native American story about what we “feed” will grow stronger. She suggests that we set our “intention to feed what is best and most beautiful within” ourselves in order to gain emotional freedom.

* Our bodies are depleted by emotional stress and our bodies are revived by calm. Dr. Orloff describes many ways to bring calm to our bodies.

As someone who has experienced the emotional stress brought on by my sensitivity and intensity, I would recommend Dr. Orloff’s book. She weaves together practical suggestions with stories from her life as well as those of her patients. One of my favorite parts of this book is when Dr. Orloff suggests that we let ourselves “feel the sensuality of inhaling and exhaling as air passes through your nostrils and chest like a cool breeze. Take pleasure in the breath’s hypnotic rhythm….With each slow, deep breath, feel yourself inhaling calm, sweet as the scent of summer jasmine… Emotional Freedom reminds me to not take the power of my breath for granted. How lovely it would be if highly sensitive and intense children could be taught ways to gain their own emotional freedom!

Paul Dennison opens this book with his story of struggling to learn. Talking about himself he says, “Unable to read, write, or do math, and rarely speaking, the boy was bewildered by school and continued to fail abysmally. His teacher would often rant at him while the other students giggled nervously.” It wasn’t until he learned to swim that he began to understand how to read. Dennison would go on to earn a Ph.D. and become a world authority on cognitive skills and reading achievement.

My husband and I both incorporated Brain Gym in our daily teaching when we were elementary teachers, and as a teacher educator, I now recommend Brain Gym to all of my students. I remember the time when our then 16 year-old daughter was struggling with passing the driving portion of her license. My husband took her aside and encouraged her to do “Cross Crawl” movements. Dennison says, “The Cross Crawl, which helps people coordinate their thoughts and actions, is learned and performed by the motor cortex, and can become automatic through continued practice.”

This book is much more than a motivational story. It is also an explanation and visual example of more than 20 Brain Gym movements. I highly recommend this book to anyone who would like to reclaim the pleasure of learning.

Amplified and Misunderstood:
Positive Gifted Identity Development and the Role of Parents

Paula Wilkes, Ph.D. & Mark Szymanski Ph.D.

Positive gifted identity development is a dynamic process that is both nourished and diminished by interactions with family, peers, school, and culture. All of those interactions impact self-perception and ultimately the child’s identity. By understanding a gifted child’s innate personality traits, and by teaching them to use good habits of mind, parents can nurture a positive identity development process that can lead to the child becoming an emotionally healthy lifelong learner who is an information seeker, a problem solver, and a creative producer. These are all skills and dispositions our children will need to be successful in the 21st century.

CTD: Why have you chosen to focus on sensitivity, perfectionism, introversion/extroversion, and curiosity, the four amplified ways of being?

Gifted children often possess amplified ways of being that have the potential to impact both their work in school and sense of self. We focus on those amplified and innate ways of being because they are often misunderstood by others. From a very young age, many gifted children hear negative comments such as: “You’re too sensitive!” “Why are you so shy?” “Can’t you sit still for more than a minute?” “Don’t be such a perfectionist!” “Stop asking so many questions!” Those comments can inhibit the development of a positive gifted identity. Parents who do not understand their gifted child’s amplified ways of being may unknowingly respond in ways that have a negative impact on a child’s self-perception. Helping gifted kids understand, modulate, and make effective use of their amplified ways of being will enhance their academic growth and social development, and will become the foundation of a positive gifted identity. A positive gifted identity will increase the chances that existential depression and other emotional crises often faced by gifted children can be dealt with in a healthy manner.

CTD: Can you explain what you mean by sensitivity?

Many gifted children are highly sensitive and intense. That sensitivity may include a strong sense of justice as well as empathy for people and animals. Kazimierz Dabrowski outlined five specific areas in which a gifted child could exhibit “overexcitability” (what we are referring to as “amplified ways of being”) as a natural, organic trait of his or her giftedness.
o Psychomotor –This includes a heightened surplus of physical energy or rapid speech and movement. It can often be misinterpreted as ADHD.
o Sensual – What is “normal” to the average person can be seen or felt as an assault to the nervous system of a child with amplified senses. This can include amplified reactions to sights, sounds, smells, and touch (such as scratchy labels). On the other hand, children with amplified senses may be quite moved by sensual beauty.
o Emotional – Some gifted children may be seen as “drama queens and kings” because of their amplified reactions to experiences that are either highly enjoyable or unpleasant. While often seen as over-reactions, these responses are often within the “normal” range for emotionally sensitive children.
o Imaginational – Vivid imaginations taken to an extreme can cause these gifted kids to seem like perpetual daydreamers. At times they may seem like they have a hard time distinguishing between reality and fantasy.
o Intellectual – Getting wound up about new ideas and experiences is a common amplification experienced by gifted children. They love to try new and exciting puzzles and challenges in their areas of expertise.

CTD: How might amplified introversion or extroversion be misunderstood by parents and teachers?

Gifted children frequently display amplified introversion or extroversion. In both cases, this way of being is their preferred way of processing information. Extroverts are energized when they are engaged with others. They process their ideas through interaction; as a result, they are often seen as too talkative and unable to wait their turn during a discussion. They may also be mislabeled as having ADHD. Introverts, on the other hand, are energized when they are alone. They process their ideas internally; as a result, they don’t have a great need to share their ideas with others. Gifted introverts may go unnoticed by teachers who see them as shy or slow thinking and withdrawn. Although most people are extroverts, the higher the IQ of a gifted child, the greater chance the child is an introvert.

CTD: What impact does perfectionism have on gifted development?

There are actually two different types of perfectionism, intrinsic and extrinsic. Gifted children are often cautioned about their perfectionism, however, intrinsic perfectionism is a positive trait when it challenges children to extend their understanding and skills. It is a negative trait when it interferes with the learning process, leads to debilitating procrastination, or results in social and emotional difficulties.

Extrinsic perfectionism is not an organic trait. It is inappropriately created and nourished by parents and teachers. Young gifted children are eager to please the adults in their lives. When they are praised for their perfect papers, praised for their large vocabularies, and praised for their ability to read chapter books at a young age, they believe that they are “worthy” when they are perfect and capable of doing extraordinary things. This can cause gifted kids to be embarrassed, angry, and/or fearful when they aren’t able to get 100% on a test or when they are faced with a challenge that doesn’t allow them to demonstrate perfection. Extrinsic perfectionism can be debilitating because it can put gifted kids in a box of competence that doesn’t allow them to take the risks necessary for healthy intellectual and emotional development.

CTD: If curiosity killed the cat, what does it do for gifted kids?

Curiosity helps gifted kids discover their passions and stumble upon new discoveries. This amplified way of being can manifest itself in a variety of ways including asking lots of questions and needing to touch and explore things of interest. While curiosity may have killed the cat, it gives life to the lives of gifted kids. This amplified desire to seek information should be nurtured by parents and teachers in order to support and encourage behaviors that lead to life-long learning.

CTD: What first steps can parents take to support the positive identity development of their gifted children?

Let your children know you love and understand them. Help them learn to modulate and make effective use of their amplified ways of being. Be an advocate! Share this information with other people. Gifted children deserve to be amplified AND understood.

Positive Gifted Identity Development Resources

Habits of Mind website (www.habits-of-mind.net/)

MindWare Games (www.MindWare.com) (Flow Experiences)

Aron, Elaine. (2002). The highly sensitive child. New York: Broadway Books.

Aron, Elaine. (1996). The highly sensitive person: How to thrive when the world overwhelms you. Bridgewater, New Jersey: Replica Books.

Belknap, Martha. (2006). Stress relief for kids: Taming your dragons. Duluth, MN:
Whole Person Associates.

Biel, Lindsey and Nancy Peske. (2005). Raising a sensory smart child. New York: Penguin Books.

Brooks, Robert and Sam Goldstein. (2003). Nurturing resilience in our children. New York: Contemporary Books.

Brooks, Robert and Sam Goldstein. (2001). Raising resilient children. New York: Contemporary Books.

Buckingham, Marcus and Donald Clifton. (2001). Now, discover your strengths. New
York: Free Press.

Chopra, Deepak. (1997). The seven spiritual laws for parents: Guiding your children to
success & fulfillment. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

Costa, Art and Kallik. (2009). Leading and learning with habits of mind: Sixteen
essential characteristics for success. Alexandria, VA: ASCD.

Desetta, Al, (editor). (2005). The courage to be yourself: True stories by teens about
cliques, conflicts, and overcoming peer pressure. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit
Publishing.

Halsted, Judith. (1994). Some of my best friends are books. Dayton, OH: Ohio
Psychology Press. (Bibliotherapy; annotated bibliography)

Hanh, Thich Nhat. (2008). Mindful movements: Ten exercises for well-being. Berkeley,
CA: Parallax Press.

Heller, Sharon. (2002). Too loud, too bright, too fast, too tight. New York: Broadway HarperCollins Publishers.

Laney, Marti Olsen. (2005). The hidden gifts of the introverted child. New York: Workman Publishing.

Lerner, Stephanie. (2005). Kids who think outside the box: Helping your unique child
thrive in a cookie-cutter world. New York: AMACOM.

Piechowski, Michael. (2006). “Mellow out,” they say. If I only could. Intensities
and sensitivities of the young and bright. Madison, WI: Yunasa Books.

Welsh, David. (1997). The boy who burned too brightly. Fort Worth, Texas: Alisam Press.

Zeff, Ted. (2004). The highly sensitive person’s survival guide. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

While this is not the only test we can use to identify gifted students, Dr. Naglieri is encouraging educators to provide this test to all students so that we are able to identify a more diverse group of high ability students including students from under-represented populations as well as students with high introversion who may be overlooked by traditional teacher nominations. Once a student is identified as having gifted ability based upon this test, it is important for teachers to provide appropriate instruction so that these students have a greater chance of realizing their talents. I look forward to returning to my community to encourage our local educators to take a new look at gifted identification. Our gifted students are one of our greatest resources, and we can’t afford to lose these resources to a lack of appropriate assessment.

During this afternoon’s discussion, I was able to experience, once again, the notion that the reader tells the story. We each had insights about The Art of Learning that were related to our own personal experiences and/or background knowledge. The sharing of those insights helped push my understanding even further, and I hope I can continue to push my adult students to the edge of their zone of proximal development, or what Josh calls “the outer reaches of our abilities.”

Parents of gifted children should read this book! Here was a chess prodigy “who was scared of the dark and loved Scooby-Doo,” and in this book he calls his father his “best friend” and his mother “the greatest person I have ever known…She has always encouraged me to follow my heart.” Not only is this book an important read for educators, but it is a wonderful model of how to raise and encourage a gifted child.

Here are some ideas and quotes from Josh’s book that can serve as inspiration for any learner:

* “The game (chess) was exhilarating and also spiritually calming….Then, suddenly, the game became alien and disquieting.”

* “I had won eight national championships an had more fans, public support and recognition than I could dream of, but none of this was helping my search of excellence, let alone for happiness.”

* “I recognized that being at the pinnacle in other people’s eyes had nothing to do with quality of life, and I was drawn to the potential for inner tranquility.”

* “Someone stuck in an entity theory of intelligence is like an anorexic hermit crab, starving itself so it doesn’t grow to have to find a new shell.”

Josh Waitzkin is going to be the keynote speaker for the National Association for Gifted Children’s 2009 annual conference, and he will have an important message for those who live with or educate gifted children.

Josh Waitzkin is a gifted person with multipotentiality. Not only did he display giftedness through chess, he later became a Tai Chi champion. I learned from his website that he had written a book, The Art of Learning, and as a professor in teacher education, I was immediately drawn to the title. Several months later, at the National Association for Gifted Children’s Annual Conference in fall 2008, each participant was given a copy of Waitzkin’s book in preparation for his keynote address in fall 2009. Having previously purchased the book but not having read it, I had another reason to read this book.

I sponsor a gifted education book club selection three times per year, and The Art of Learning is my choice for summer 2009. Many of the participants will already have seen Searching for Bobby Fisher, and this book will be a great way for them to learn what became of Josh, as well as to read about the art of learning from the perspective of a gifted learner.

This book speaks to Josh’s ability to maximize his learning through passion, focus, automaticity through practice, intuition, reining in impulsivity, remaining open to continuous learning through a growth mindset, and preparation. While reading this book, I was reminded of others whose ideas have inspired me including: Coach John Wooden (The Pyramid of Success), Carol Dweck (Mindset), Jane Piirto (The Pyramid of Talent Development), and Art Costa and Bena Kallick (Habits of Mind).

I met up with Sue’s sons the evening before the memorial service. We laughed and cried as I shared high school stories her sons had never heard. I was struck by what beautiful men her sons are, and I know why Sue was so proud of these young men and the fathers they had become. When going through her apartment, they had found a manilla envelope with my name on the outside and a card on the inside that she had planned to give me one day. Sue had always called me her “Forever Friend,” and now this card was proving that even after her death I was learning just how much I had meant to her. Here is what that card said:

YOU ARE THE FRIEND I WILL CHERISH FOREVER
Once in a long while,
someone special walks into your life
and really makes a difference.
They take the time
to show you in so many little ways
that you matter.
They see and hear the worst in you,
but don’t walk away;
in fact, they may care more about you.
Their heart breaks with yours,
their tears fall with yours,
their tears fall with yours,
their laughter is shared with yours.

Once in a long while,
two special friends
have to go their separate ways.

Every time you see a certain gesture,
hear a certain laugh or phrase,
or return to a certain place,
it reminds you of them.
You treasure the time you had with them,
and you thank God that someone
can still touch your heart so deeply.
You remember their words, their looks,
their expressions;
You remember how much of themselves
they gave — not just to you, but to all.
You remember the strength
that amazed you,
the courage that impressed you,
the grace that inspired you,
and the love that touched you.
by Laurie Winkelmann

The card has no handwritten note, but the fact that it was in an envelope with my name on it is a powerful reminder of what it means to be a forever friend.

The service was held in a beautiful Catholic church in South Lake Tahoe. It was a spectacularly sunny afternoon, and the sun lit up the stained glass with the beauty that must have been envisioned by its artist. When the priest asked us to rise for a prayer, the snowcapped mountains were framed by a clear window above the priest. It was the perfect day (Sue’s birthday) and the perfect setting for a celebration of life for a beautiful and dynamic woman.

Many years ago, when a high school friend was setting up an alumni website, he asked us to send photos and information we would like posted on our individual pages. He also asked for a song from our high school days that could play when someone came to our page. I didn’t know why I had him attach this particular song, but despite my blue eyes, I loved the Van Morrison song, “Brown-Eyed Gilrl.” As my husband and I drove past the church on our way home the following morning, I was thinking about all the great times with Sue and how much we had loved each other. I was sharing yet another story with my husband when “Brown-Eyed Girl” came on the radio. Sue was the brown-eyed girl, and the words “…now that I’m on my own…” had new meaning. I laughed and cried to think that this song would no longer be my song, it would be OUR forever friends song.

The subtitle of the book, “7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out,” intrigued me because it suggested that I could be in control of my own happiness.  I decided to purchase two copies so that I could write in the margins of one and encourage my husband to read the other one.  That was a great decision because I have seen both subtle and significant changes in the way we relate to otherwise stressful situations.  

Last week, my husband had a medical procedure that required outpatient treatment in the hospital.  This was a planned procedure that was supposed to take about 2 1/2 hours from beginning to end.  However, due to someone dropping the ball and not providing my husband with an antibiotic prior to the procedure, once he was wheeled into the room for surgery, the doctor noticed the error and sent him back to short stay to receive 2 hours of intraveneous antibiotics.  As if that wasn’t enough, once he was brought back for surgery, the doctor wasn’t able to complete the procedure because his blood clotting level hadn’t been correctly monitored so that if she completed the procedure, my husband wouldn’t have been able to clot quickly enough.  All of these issues could have been taken care of prior to our coming to short stay, so not only did the 2 1/2 hours become a 6 hour experience, my husband also has to return again next year to complete the procedure.

I share this story because at no time were we angry, nor did we harass the nurses who had nothing to do with the issues we faced.  The nurses kept telling us how sorry they were, and that they were amazed by how nice we were.  My husband and I were thinking that it was unfortunate to have had to deal with this situation, but due to having practiced the Happy for No Reason strategies, we weren’t going to get ourselves upset nor upset the people who were trying to help us.  I truly believe that in the past we would have spent those additional hours ruminating, making ourselves more and more miserable.  Now, however, my husband is going to meet with his doctor to see what went wrong, just for clarification for the next time he has this procedure.

Chapter 3 is called “The Foundation – Take Ownership of Your Happiness,” and that is what we are trying to do.  The author talks about how complaining is a nasty habit that can cause emotional and physical harm to the complainer.  And who really wants to spend much time with a complainer?  I am trying to be mindful of my reactions, and I am attempting to limit the whining response.  

Parents contact me on a regular basis to get information on how to advocate for their gifted children whose academic needs aren’t being adequately met.  I am now more aware of the impact their complaining has had on their personal happiness as well as on the happiness of their children.  Many of these sensitive and intense children are complaining about their discontent at school, and in turn, many of them are hearing their parents also complain about teachers and the educational system.  Do these kids deserve to receive an appropriate education?  Absolutely!  They also deserve to be taught coping strategies and strategies of the autonomous learner to get their needs met.  Their complaining, and the complaining of their parents sets all of them up for anxiety, depression, and a sent of hopelessness.  

The titles of the following chapters will give you an idea of the strategies that are the focus of this book:

Chapter 1: Happy for No Reason…Really?

Chapter 2: Practicing Happiness

Chapter 3: The Foundation — Take Ownership of Your Happiness

Chapter 4: The Pillar of the Mind — Don’t Believe Everything You Think

Chapter 5: The Pillar of the Heart — Let Love Lead

Chapter 6: The Pillar of the Body — Make Your Cells Happy

Chapter 7: The Pillar of the Soul — Plug Yourself In to Spirit

Chapter 8: The Roof — Live a Life Inspired by Purpose

Chapter 9: The Garden — Cultivate Nourishing Relationships

Chapter 10: The Happy for No Reason Plan for Life

If, as Marci Shimoff says, emotion is contagious, we might as well chose to spread the happiness germ!  I recommend this book to parents and teachers who are the models for bright, sensitive, and intense children.  They deserve to be surrounded by adults who spread happiness rather than the angst of complaining.